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Dog to The Man: “Take Your Jackboot Off My Neck or I’ll Smooch the Life Out of You”

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Dog to The Law: “Take Your Jackboot Off My Neck or I Will Smooch the Life Out of You….”

Lawyer to Lamont: “we know how it be for a Dawg nigga. I’m Frank E. Hudson III, Esq., and I’ll be your white guy.”

Lamont: Yeah that Dawg nigga’s fucked. The judge aint’ gonna take it easy on a Dawg nigga.

Me: He be needin a laywer. Lawyer be some white dude willing to pretend to be your friend ‘n shit in front of the judge so you ain’t look so bad.

Lamont: Aw yeah, he be like “Look, Imma white guy, and I’m aksin nicely to take it easy on dis Dawg nigga. Fuckk dat!”

By Nate Thayer

June 17, 2014

As some of you know, my pal, Lamont, has continued to engage in what seems like an endless scrum with The State and The Power and Their Agents. Recently he was sued for $100,000, falsely accused of fracturing the skull of a fully insured employee of the U.S. Federal government.

Lamont, as was to be expected, refused to kowtow to the Jackboot of the man placed on his midget neck, and vowed to Fight Power With Smooches.

To see the background to this current story, you can read it here: https://www.nate-thayer.com/?p=2403

U.S. Govt Sues Dog for $100,000 to solve health care crisis: Mutt responds to Power with Smooches

After the enemy forces of darkness realized they were up against Lamont, they have tried to extricate themselves from what they clearly have realized was a tactical error taking on the internationally renowned community activist, the storied mutt, Lamont.

Lamont Reacts to Legal Threats by State

Lamont Reacts to Legal Threats by State

Lawyers for the enemy team contacted Lamont’s long suffering butler and public relations damage control human–that would be me–who sometimes gets frustrated at the amount of angst the mongrel causes him via his mounting myriad of pickles, kerfuffles, pseudo lawless, anti-social, and unpredictable antics, and tried to negotiate their way out of their epic tactical error.

I told them: “Look, let’s set aside the fact of the total absence of merit to your legal bullying and extortion. What the fuck were you thinking suing a dog? The fact is, neither Lamont or I have any cash or assets. So, and I emphasize this is theoretical, even if we were to lose, you still wouldn’t get any extra change in your pocket. We are what you ambulance chasers refer to as “judgement proof.” And since I am quite confident you are not engagingin this legal action in the service of raising funds for dying children in the third world, again, what the fuck, are you thinking?”

Now I was talking their language.

They paused, silently. The Great Lamont had captured their Queen, and through sheer benevolence, was offering to let them keep their King, after sufficient squirming and wiggling and throat clearing.

We resume the story where we left off……

A few days ago, I received the following email:

STATEMENT OF ASSETS AND INSURANCE
Under penalty of perjury, I Nate Thayer hereby state the following:
On June 19, 2013, I did not have any liability insurance, Umbrella coverage, Renter’s insurance, or any other type of liability coverage which applied to me.
My total annual income for 2012 was $______________.
My total annual income for 2013 was $______________.
My total net worth as of the undersigned date is $___________________.
I understand that I am signing this document under oath and that I have had an opportunity to consult an attorney of my choosing.
_______________________________________________ ___________________
Nate Thayer Date
_______________________________________________ _____________________
Notary Date
__________________
Kirk Rankin

Last week, I received the following email:

On Thu, Jun 5, 2014 at 5:31 PM, <[email protected]> wrote:

Mr. Thayer:

Did you receive the Affidavit that Mr. Rankin emailed you regarding Mr.
McElhinney’s case?

Thank you,
Frank

Frank E. Hudson III, Esq.
Law Offices of Kirk Rankin & Associates
6231 Leesburg Pike, Suite 106
Falls Church, VA 22044
(703) 532-2700
[email protected]

Lamont Stands Tall in Face of Prison Time

Lamont Stands Tall in Face of Prison Time

Today, I replied to Frank III, Esq.:

 

Mr Hudson:

I did receive Mr. Rankin’s affidavit. The delay in a response is attributable to me waiting to secure the services of an attorney to advise me whether there are any consequences I am not aware of in signing such a document,  on the strict condition they offer me their services for free (or pro bono, in your parlance).
Sadly, I regret to report, I have  failed to, as of yet, secured legal services based on those non-negotiable prerequisites–to whit, that they don’t cost me a penny.
As for the content of the emailed affidavit, as I told Mr. Rankin, I am more than happy to sign such a document if its entire consequences are, and limited to, and will not  be used for any other sordid tricks for which you and your kind have a well deserved reputation for engaging in. While Mr. Rankin represented to me that signing the said affidavit would be a simple, inconsequential, and straightforward act, he also advised I seek legal advise before signing any document.
As a Man of the Law, you, of all people, I am sure would agree that it would be unwise to trust you simply based on your word–not for the least of reasons that you are suing my pal, my dog Lamont, an insolvent, pea-brained, pan-sexual, black, unemployed, illegal immigrant, big-snouted, droopy-eyed, bow-legged, ridiculous looking, 8 1/2-inch-tall, two-year old mongrel canine born in a Mexican trash dump,  and employing a legal strategy that said mongrel step in and fix the broken U.S. health care system because your fully medically insured client fucked up and got snookered into signing his rights away by his health insurance providers.
The fact that your interests in this does not stem from a personal version of your offering a tithe to your church in the service of the common good, your God, or your country, but rather to skim off the top a fair chunk of the non-existent loot apparently dancing in your hallucinatory visions as laying at the end of this rainbow, has not eluded me.
So here is a thought, my friend: If you might be so kind as to put one of your brethren who would provide those free services under those strict conditions, that would most likely expedite a response from me regarding the affidavit in question that would be satisfactory to you, that may well be in your best professional and financial interests, as I will be God-dammed if I am going to spend a dime out of my already spartan pockets to play by the rules of the egregiously fucked-up state of current American tort law and its bottom feeding proponents who infest your sordid profession like lice on the mattress in a short time hotel room.
Lamont discusses legal defence strategy with his Damage Control Advisor

Lamont discusses legal defence strategy with his Damage Control Advisor

I have always been under the impression that it is a fundamental rule taught in mandatory tort law class in Law School, as strictly a matter of financial self-interest, that an attorney should conduct due diligence and ascertain whether a potential defendant is–I believe in informal legal parlance it is referred to as–“judgement proof” before moving forward on incurring the expenses of civil legal action.
Prior to accepting Mr McElhinney  as your client, it seems–and I realize I am tiptoeing out of the boundaries of my formal training to opine on this in the first place–it would have behooved you to have conducted said due diligence that would have saved you from this embarrassment you are now trying extricate yourself from and avoided the profoundly delusional impressionism that, somehow, I could be Your Man to mug, take into a dark alley, hold me upside down by my feet and shake some loose change from my pockets to pay the monthly lease payments for your sports car or a percentage of your undoubtedly copious hair care product budget.
If you had done so, you would have found that I indeed have no job (and therefore no salary or wages from which to garnish), no assets, no property, own no no domicile, and have no motorized vehicle (and therefore no assets to seize), a negative bank balance (and therefore no financial accounts to freeze) and no medical, rental or any other insurance of any kind (and therefore no opportunity for any personal injury lawyers to engage in heavy petting with your usurious first cousins, the insurance industry, and then jump into bed together and do what you both specialize in–that is the non-consensual rough sex fucking of the average Joe consumer).
Of course this is all information that has long been in the possession and knowledge of your now increasingly costly-and-time-consuming-and-absent-of- nigh-a-whiff-of-any-chance-to-prove-a-lucrative-relationship-to-you-client, Mr. McElhinney, and is documented in numerous written exchanges between myself and him.
It might have saved you the $85.00 an hour you paid a private bounty hunter –otherwise known as a court summons process server–for the ridiculous task of “tracking me down.” Given that I am a minor public figure with a website, a blog, a Twitter account, two Face book pages, and several email addresses using my real name–all of which have my home address and phone number and email address etc and so on and so forth publicly available to anyone who chooses to simply look if desirous of employing them.
 If you get around to mastering “Google Search” and enter my name, it will result in over a million “hits”, most of which would require the skills of an average 5 year old to locate and contact me.
So the fact that the James Bond character, whom you paid for out of your pocket to secure his impressive sleuthing skills, claimed to have tried to access me but failed for three months, is a bit of a stretch. You got taken for a ride on that bill, I am afraid. He showed me the contract over beers. We both, for different reasons, had a bit of a chuckle over that one.
The fact that he posed as a supporter of my writings and messaged me the day I began a fundraising campaign endeavoring to publish my book “Sympathy for the Devil: A Journalist’s Memoir from Inside Pol Pot’s Cambodia” and said he wanted to support my professional work financially as a ruse to serve my dog a $100,000 lawsuit, is really rather pretty amateur stuff.  You put me potentially $100,000 in the red before I even got the fundraising campaign off the ground, Frank III, Esq., baby.
Lamont at his most intimidating self

Lamont at his most intimidating self

But the trump card is the only one who is going to end up paying a red cent is you, at least for the God knows how much ridiculously absurd hourly “fees” you charge for your “work” or onpass to your “clients.”
All he had to do was knock on my door. Which when he did, I opened. And by the way, he was–and this was at noon–already a bit, as the Brits like to say, euphemistically, ” more than a bit tired and emotional.” I invited your employee in to my then home, where I offered, and he accepted, several more beers, while sitting at my dining table, on the clock, in your employ, charging you $85.00 bucks an hour.
I also took a couple dozen photographs of him playing and smooching my surly and dangerous mutt, Lamont, while the copiously tongued 8 1/2 inch tall mongrel–the focus of your lawsuit, was committing felony assault by smooches with Your Man the entire time. The photos came out rather nicely.
And by the way, I have since been evicted from that said domicile for–you got it–inability to be able to meet my rent obligations. But rest assured, my contacts remain the same. You are welcome to hire “James Bond” again and he can call me and I will invite him in to share more beer where I am currently hanging my hat, on your dime, of course.

This, of course, does not even address the wholesale absence of any merit’ to your libelous allegations besmirching the highly respected name and reputation of the renowned international problem solver and community activist, my pal, my dog, Lamont.

In fact the only communication I have received from you before the one this week that this entire absurd correspondence is in reference to, was a message you sent to my dog Lamont’s blog. You can view it here:

http://lemuttlamont.wordpress.com/about/

Let me repeat that: You sent a correspondence to a dog!!!???!!! Who you are suing for $100,000!!??!!

 
Pause for a moment and let the full weight of that sink in to your legally trained mind.
 
I repeat it here in full, date May 21, 2014:
 
Frank Hudson
[email protected]
71.163.237.77

Mr. Thayer,
I write you on behalf of the Law Office of Kirk Rankin & Associates. Mr. Rankin represents Peter McElhinney in a lawsuit against you in DC Superior Court. You were served with the Summons and Complaint but have not filed an Answer, so the Court has entered a Default against you. Please contact our office at (703) 532-2700 to discuss this matter.
 
We have not even–you may have noticed—addressed the merits of the legal case here. That is for two reasons: You don’t care a whit whether there is any merit to the case. You are engaging in what we non-lawyers call blackmail or extortion–trying to use the legal system of the United States of America to bully common, innocent citizens to threaten me with bankrupting me unless I cry uncle and “settle” offering you whatever your personal price for a biblical piece of silver is to not force me to pay the tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees for the court to rule, that my mutt–and his “per se” co-defendant–that would be me–are innocent. 
 
Which we happen to be–100% not guilty of any of the allegations, as more than 30 eyewitnesses to the incident would unanimously testify as fact. 
 
Which they won’t have to. 
 
Lamont asked me to pass on this message to you—something he picked up while studying who the fuck would sue an innocent, insolvent, half breed, 2 year old, illegal immigrant dog for $100K.
 
(With thanks and apologies to Tyrone Biggins) 
 
Lamont’s script for a late night TV advert for a personal injury lawyer with offices in a suburban strip mall, preceded by his definition of said lawyer’s function:  :
“A white guy you pay to convince the judge/jury that you didn’t do it.”
Roll Tape:
Lamont: Yeah that Dawg nigga’s fucked. The judge aint’ gonna take it easy on a nigga.
Me: He be needin a laywer.Lamont: Dawg Nigga, what?Me: You know, Dawg nigga! Lawyer be some white dude willing to pretend to be your friend ‘n shit in front of the judge so you ain’t look so bad.Lamont: Aw yeah, he be like “Look, Imma white guy, and I’m aksin nicely to take it easy on dis Dawg nigga”Break for “Lawyerly Sounding Voice”:

“Here at the Law Offices of Kirk Rankin & Associates, we know how it be for a nigga. Haters don’t think it be like it is, but it do. But we do. I’m Frank E. Hudson III, Esq., and I’ll be your white guy.
Lamont:  What Da fuuu…!!????
Lamont doesn’t need a lawyer. But you, Frank E. Hudson III, Esq, may well be in need of a a very high powered, expensive public relations crisis control specialist if you don’t stop fucking with my pal, Lamont.
Believe me, let me give you some friendly advice from a voice of experience. You are going to lose to the wily Mutt.
Lamont doesn’t recognize your game and refuses to play by your rules. Fuck, they don’t even let dogs into the building of the Superior Court of the District of Columbia.
Plus, he refuses to soil the essential vital institution of rule of law and an independent judiciary by partaking in your blatant abuse of this basic tenet of what makes Lamont a Free Dog in a Free Country.
Lamont thanks his Legal Defence Fund who insists the effort was a joint venture for the Good of the People and the Nation

Lamont thanks his Legal Defence Fund who insists the effort was a joint venture for the Good of the People and the Nation

I will end this already wasteful distraction to an otherwise day well spent with a quote from one of my favorite men of letters, Dr. Samuel Johnson from his London: A Poem:
 
“By Numbers here from Shame or Censure free,
All Crimes are safe, but hated Poverty.
This, only this, the rigid Law persues,
This, only this, provokes the snarling Muse.
Dr. Johnson also wisely advised:
“All the performances of human art, at which we look with praise or wonder, are instances of the resistless force of perseverance….If a man was to compare the effect of a single stroke of the pick-axe, or of one impression of the spade, with the general design and last result, he would be overwhelmed by the sense of their disproportion; yet those petty operations, incessantly continued, in time surmount the greatest difficulties, and mountains are leveled, and oceans bounded, by the slender force of human beings. It is therefore of the utmost importance that those, who have any intention of deviating from the beaten roads of life, and acquiring a reputation superior to names hourly swept away by time among the refuse of fame, should add to their reason, and their spirit, the power of persisting in their purposes; acquire the art of sapping what they cannot batter, and the habit of vanquishing obstinate resistance by obstinate attacks.”
 
In summation, Mr. Hudson III, Esq., when you fucked with Lamont, you fucked with the wrong Junkyard Dog. 
 
Although I would encourage you to get the advise of a public relations crisis control expert, I suggest you quit while you are not farther behind—much, much farther behind.
I, and Lamont’s substantial support network, many of whom did not emerge from the womb of polite society, eagerly await your response. You have our contacts.

With exactly all due sincerity and respect,
Nate Thayer

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Sympathy for the Devil: A Journalist's Memoir from Inside Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge I have been researching and writing Sympathy for the Devil: A Journalist's Memoir from Inside Pol Pot's Khmer Rouge for 25 years. For 25 years, I  conducted original reporting to compile what is now an 800 page, unedited manuscript. I have accumulated millions of words of notes, hundreds of hours of audio and video recordings and hundreds of photographs, and … [More...]

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