Or how to play matchmaker for people’s brains when they may or may not be interested in your private parts

 

By Nate Thayer

 

June 6, 2017

Today I saw a Facebook post that made my heart go pitter-patter from someone I don’t know but wanted to.

“When I was a Senior in High School I wrote Congresswoman now Senator Tammy Baldwin who was the first open lesbian elected to the House and the first openly LGBT person in the Senate. Politics had been my reprieve from a lot of general pressure from school and home. That year I had tried twice to end my life, and both times were miserable failures. I was 17 and scared to pieces, and had the understanding that politics for me meant that there was the possibility of liberation.

I wrote her about being young and openly gay in politics, but not being able to be so in the home, and how I was rooting for her.

A few months later I get this beautiful postcard in the mail. It came at a time where I was trying to find my footing in the world as an adult. For many years I thought I lost the note. This morning it was rediscovered. It was behind a picture of me with Gov. Janet Napolitano when she was still Attorney General. #Pride2017”

So I sent above Girl # 2 a message.

“Who are you, anyways? And how do we know each other? I apologize if my rapidly deteriorating mind has misplaced how we crossed paths. But I just perused your FB page posts, and think I could fall in love, save for the fact you don’t appear to be attracted to penises. Which is fine, because I am not either. Your new fan, Nate”

And then it went wonky and turned into a delicious ménage et trois of chit chatting.

I then checked in with Girl # 1, who was the only mutual FB friend I had with Girl # 2, and Girl #1 is behind pretty much everything nefarious and subversive as far as I can tell, and I inquired “who is our mutual FB friend, (girl # 2), and why do I think I could fall in love with her save for the fact she does not appear to be attracted to penises?”

Girl # 1: I suggested you to each other, because I knew that you needed to be friends. I adore her as well. She’ll be in town sometime in June. I think we could all get together for cocktails. Between the 2 of you and the stories that you could share, it would be an amazing time! – and yes, she’s a girl’s girl.

Me: Oh. Okay, I knew somehow your dark hand was involved

Me: I just sent her (girl # 2) a message: “Who are you, anyways? And how do we know each other? I apologize if my rapidly deteriorating mind has misplaced how we crossed paths. But I just perused your FB page posts, and think I could fall in love, save for the fact you don’t appear to be attracted to penises. Which is fine, because I am not either. Your new fan, Nate”

Girl # 1: I just thought that you were kindred spirits. She’s also a lot younger than us – maybe 30’s?

Me: I am not sure she might now not think I am just creepy

Girl # 1: HA! – that’s a great post. If only you had added a picture of you writing a story with no pants, and with chewing tobacco on your teeth…

Me: I am sure that would just reinforce her predilection for gals–and rightly so

Girl # 1: Just write another message clarifying. I think that she would think that it was funny.

Me: She dresses like a boy. And I hate it when non-boys dress as boys better than me

Me: Uh oh. She just messaged me back. Stand by

Girl # 1: She is extremely stylish.

Girl # 1: Oh, I can’t wait for this one!

Me: Stand by. She is schooling me

Girl # 1: “schooling”?–or being icy?

Girl # 1: Tell her that I say “howdy, lovely.”

Girl # 2: Hey Nate, I am good friends with (girl # 1), hung out for years in the Red Fox in Phnom Penh, and (a journalist mutual friend) used to steal my joints. We have never met just have very interesting overlapping communities.

Me: I was just told by a mutual friend to alert you to the fact I am not a creep

Girl # 2: I gathered you aren’t a creep if you are friends with (girl # 1).

Me: Right. That would be correct. (girl # 1) does not play well with creeps

Girl # 2: No. She doesn’t at all.

Me: Full Disclosure: I am on the horn with (girl # 1) as we speak and sharing our convo. She is the greatest–although a mite wack a doodle–not that I should be throwing stones from a glass house

Girl # 2: I know who you are.

Me: Uh oh. That could be bad for me

Girl # 2: I gathered you aren’t a creep if you are friends with (girl # 1, who I, being like a girl, I was keeping updated on the progression of the conversation with girl # 2 in real-time).

Girl # 1: Perfect! I KNEW that you would love each other

Girl # 2: She is my favorite Bakelite soul.

Then Girl # 1 butts in, as girls tend to do, and opened a FB threesome conversation:

Girl # 1: Now we can all play together! Hooray for The Internet, Nate!

Girl # 2: HAHAHA!

Girl # 1: Vintage plastic on the inside?

Girl # 2: Bright, Shiny, Utilitarian…HA! This is funny.

Me: Uh oh. Trouble

Girl # 2: HA! This is funny.

Girl # 1: (Naming Girl # 1) – I told Nate that the 3 of us have to have cocktails when you’re in town. I would be very, very excellent. I can host!

Me: Okay. Maybe I now like the internet

Girl # 2: I am around the end of the Month.

Me: You are always excellent–even if you meant to spell “it” rather than “I”

Girl # 1: Oh Nate, even though you’re a writer, you make more mistakes than anyone I know. It’s like Lamont is typing for you with his paws.

Me: you were correct the first time

Me: And I know. I like mistakes. I am one

Girl # 1: I feel like there will be a combustion when the 3 of us are together!

Girl # 2: Of course.

Me: I am happy making mistakes. At least you know there is no sieve between my mouth and brain so you don’t have to figure out what is going on in betwixt

Me: What about Lamont? Can he come?

Girl # 1: NO

Me: You evil bitch

Girl # 1: Thank you!

Girl # 1: I still have a scar.

Girl # 2: This is amusing a hell.

Me: Okay. I just spit out my water

Girl # 1: (naming girl # 2)–Lamont is the worst dog ever. No manners at all.

Girl # 2: I am shooting for the 25^th. I had a dog in Cambodia like that The Moth named after Margaret Moth.

Girl # 1: I will be in Canada until the 24th, so that’s perfect!

Me: Yeah. But Lamont and I are team. He makes me look good in polite society

Girl # 1: Neither of you wear pants.

Me: Canada? Are you defecting?

Canada? Are you defecting?

Girl # 2: My Birthday is the 29th…

Girl # 1: I wish – road trip to see my boy. He and his girl live in Montreal.

Girl # 1: BIRTHDAY PARTY FOR (naming girl # 2) ! Are you turning legal?

Girl # 2: 33 I am turning Jesus.

Me: I like birthdays

Girl # 1: You are turning into Jesus?

Girl # 2: Jesus year 33.

Me: Uh oh. How do you know about the “33” thing? That is just creepy

Girl # 1: HA!

Me: The only people I know who do are neo Nazis 88/33

Girl # 2: I grew up on the Border with Mexico we have our fair share.

Me: That stands for the 8th letter in the alphabet as in Heil Hitler

Girl # 2: HH all that crap

Girl # 2: 13 words….

Me: No that would the 14 words: “We must secure the existence of our people and a future for white children.”

Girl # 2: Fuck them I hate Nazis

Me: Hey! Those are my people. Sort of…

Girl # 1: Nate?

Me: I count them as my friends, since I don’t have many

Girl # 1: Nate?

Me: Yes, Sweetie?

Girl # 1: Did your people kill my people?

Girl # 2: So are we on for the 29th or thereabouts?

Me: They may have. I apologize

Girl # 1: At any rate, we rule the world now.

Girl # 2: Who runs the world? Jews?… Singing like Beyoncé.

Me: I know. You people own all the banks, control Wall Street, Hollywood, and the Media etc etc

Girl # 1: Yes! – I just checked my calendar. It’s a Thursday. Nate?

Girl # 1: As we should.

Me: It is a deal. Thursday when again? Which Thursday?

Girl # 1: After Wednesday.

Girl # 1: 29^th. June 29th.

Me: Not like the day after tomorrow, right?

Girl # 2: No I don’t live in DC. I am down in the Southland.

Me: Give me time to take a shower

Girl # 1: Do you have plans with others here? – I could do it on the weekend if that’s better

Girl # 1: HA – Long shower.

Me: Oh. I know people down there but not sure you would be sympatico

Girl # 2: Never know with me… HA!

Girl # 1: She is a simpatico soul.

Me: I am afraid you might hurt them and I am against that

Girl # 1: Nate’s all squishy on the inside

Girl # 2: I am live and let live. Unless you come on my property then you get rock salt as a warning.

Girl # 1: HAHAHA!

Girl # 2: Other than that I am cool.

Girl # 1: I hope kosher salt.

Girl # 2: My lord that is sick and funny, and sick.

Me: (naming girl # 1), did I tell you you are the greatest thing God ever created?

Girl # 2: L’Chaim.

Girl # 1: This is the greatest conversation.

Me: Rock salt doesn’t work against illegal automatic weapons, sweetie

Girl # 2: I know.

Girl # 1: What if you stuff it in the wrong end?

Girl # 2: It does work when you are trying to get into my house.

Me: so you have to have a plan B

Girl # 2: I have plans B-Z

Me: Okay. I will knock first–loudly.

Girl # 2: Yes.

Me: Or call first

Girl # 1: I’d use a long stick and tap the door from the sidewalk

Me: Or maybe not visit at all

Girl # 2: You are cool. I just live alone.

Me: Okay. I am laughing. This is fun

Girl # 1: Now he knows you live alone.

Girl # 2: Also like I said I grew up on the border with Mexico. My kin are High desert Hillbillies.

Girl # 1: I actually just met Nate at a bar last night.

Girl # 2: Wow! you guys got thick quick. HA!

Me: I don’t. I live with Lamont. (Girl # 1) knows. She dopes (sic) not like my best friend and …and….whatever he is which is against the rules

Girl # 1: He was pantless and had chaw all over his teeth

Me: Oh hush, woman

Me: You did not

Girl # 1: I dope not.

Me: Maybe the second one was right

Girl # 1: Yes, it was. That’s why I liked you immediately. Not many men would show up on a first date like that. And not many women would love that fact.

Me: I wish you met me in a bar last night, because no one else would talk to me

Girl # 2: Not many people would tell someone they just met that they dyed their pubes pink.

Girl # 1: Dang it – I have a friend coming over at 4:15. Please don’t go on without me – I can’t stand to miss a word.

Me: What???

Girl # 1: (naming girl # 2)

Girl # 2: Well… You did.

Girl # 1: I actually won first prize in a Halloween costume for that, you know. I got a mediocre bottle of wine.

Me: Are you calling into question my masculine attributes? I have NEVER ever died my pubes pink. WTF?

Girl # 2: Nothing faggy about pink pubes.

Girl # 1: Sometimes I have to get my betty ready

Me: I am more comfy with faggy than pink pubes

Girl # 2: Me too does a number on my sheets.

Me: Your Betty? That sounds against the rules

Me: Stop it, please. You people are scaring me

Girl # 1: (naming girl # 2) – did I tell you about my betty before or after you told me that you worked in a sausage factory?

Me: Oh no. This is just not right…

Girl # 2: This was about the same time.

Me: Which I like, but don’t tell anyone, please

Girl # 1: It’s so right that it’s wrong.

Girl # 2: My sausages were the bomb

Girl # 1: I could say so much, but am standing aside for Nate.

Me: (naming girl # 2) If you live in the south, why is it you are still alive?

Girl # 1: Because she’s a ninja!

Girl # 2: Because it is nicer than Kabul and it is Savannah (Georgia).

Me: You have never stood aside for anything in your life, my excellent future ex wife to be (naming girl # 1). Don’t fib…

Me: Oooohhhh. Savannah. I like that place. My people use to own an island offshore from there

Girl # 1: I used to introduce my wasband as my future ex husband

Me: No you didn’t!

Girl # 2: My people are from Memphis, Tennessee.

Me: Well that is a very fucked up town, save for the BBQ

Girl # 2: Also Arizona, New Mexico, and Texas. So it is like the Sous Vide of my kin.

Me: I was almost eaten by an alligator last time I was there

Girl # 2: Memphis or Savannah?

Me: Right over the border from Memphis in the Arkansas river

Girl # 2: Probably my Cousin.

Girl # 2: Only good thing to come from Arkansas is Miller Williams.

Me: Although I do have an ex gal pal from Arkansas from a Very Famous Family, who was the first person I ever had anal sex with. She was nice. The sex? Eehh, it was ok

Girl # 2: I mean when you have to go in through the out door it isn’t EXACTLY the same.

Me: What about Oklahoma?

Girl # 2: Yeah we left that shit hole.

Me: Yeah, right. What she said

Girl # 1:. My Grandfather was an Okie.

Me: (sends a link to a country music song)

Girl # 2: I am the really good stationery version of White Trash…

Me: You are the reason God made Oklahoma

Me: And I mean that

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bF-YE_zFBzI

Girl # 2: Why the hell isn’t that Dottie West? Lefty and Dottie are the shit, mate. Who the hell is Miranda Lambert?

Me: Seriously, that post you made earlier today made me cry. Don’t tell anyone, but true

Girl # 2: Thanks. It is what it is. Just a piece of my weird life.

Girl # 1: (comes back) Geez, I go out for a smoke and miss epic exchanges.

Me: Yeah, Hush women folk with the “it is what it is” stuff. That is my line. And it is a cop-out

Girl # 1: Anal sex and everything.

Girl # 2: I know it is. Just how I roll…

Me: Yeah. You missed that part, huh, (naming girl # 1). As you always seem to

Me: (talking to girl # 2) I will arm wrestle you for whose life is weirder, my new friend, (trying to remember the name of girl # 1)–or whatever your name is

Girl # 2: I am just warming up.

Girl # 1: Just don’t add any extra letters to her name or she will anal sex you with her machine gun.

Girl # 2: I know you are all into chasing Brother Number 1.

Girl # 1: AHAHAHA!

Me: You are a problem, (naming girl # 1). I just can’t relax around your brain–when it is working

Girl # 1: Thank you. I do have to go now, boo hoo.

Girl # 2: As do I.

Me: What??? I found him and I didn’t like him much so I dumped him

Girl # 2: Good.

Me: Okay. See ya’ sweetheart

Me: Now me and (naming girl # 2)–or however you spell it–can get to snuggling our brains together–alone without your distraction

Girl # 2: HA.

Girl # 2: I actually have to jump on a work call. Though more soon.

Me: So, how did you become so beautiful and do you come here often?

Girl # 1 has hung up and girl # 2 does not respond

Me: Okay. Chat soon (the sooner the better)