Lamont Diaries continued:
Lamont and I have a Serious Chat
Today, Lamont and I had a serious talk about how the earth spins, and that his conduct of late is throwing it off its natural trajectory.
Today, while partaking in his daily cardio vascular regiment in the park, Lamont insisted on making the rounds of the gathered humans, and greeting them in his inimitable way.
By peeing on their legs.
For the fourth day in a row.
More than once, I was forced to walk up to an unsuspecting victim and say: “Uh, I apologize on behalf of my dog, Lamont, for peeing on you.” Which was followed by downward glances at the moist spot on their pant legs. Which was followed by a dumbfounded expression of “I really don’t know what to say to that.”
Lamont, also, galloped at full speed, leaping through the air, and attempted to chew the foot off a baby in a harness attached her Mom’s chest. This now makes Lamont’s assault and battery count on neighborhood children dangerously nearing the triple digits.
We were metaphorically frog marched out of the public park and returned home.
“Lamont, pal, trust me on this: You are not building popular support by peeing on people’s legs,” I said to the mutt, as he sat staring up at me on the floor by the couch. “Human’s don’t think like you. They do not see it as a bonding moment. And as for attacking their progeny, no matter how loving your intentions are, let me be clear: This will only end very, very badly for you unless you cease immediately.”
I told Lamont he was at considerable risk of being banished from the dog park, the center of Lamont’s universe, unless he changed his ways promptly.
Lamont was silent for a moment, taking in these new revelations.
“I thought peeing on things was a sign of respect acknowledging they were important to me. I didn’t know, Nate. I’m sorry,” he said, his droopy eyes looking hurt and sad. “I love the Park. I will try and not pee on anything with a circulatory system from now on. Please don’t stop coming with me there. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“What about assaulting the children?” I said.
“Well, I think assault is a bit harsh. I was just trying to smooch them.”
“Lamont!??!!! Just leave the short humans be, OK?!? They get plenty of smooches without your assistance. Believe me, their guardians are organizing defensive measures as we speak. You have not seen the wrath of God until you cross a young mother. And you are riding on the fumes of your reputation at this point. Trust me. There is no room for negotiation on these two matters.”
I repeated that his future as a member in good standing of the dog park canine contingent was in serious jeopardy.
Lamont’s eyes got very wide as his mind raced. “I will try my best,” he said after a long pause.
That is all I can ask of my pal, Lamont. I am not hopeful.