If only Lamont had been in Charlottesville…….

(From the archives of the Lamont Diaries)

By Nate Thayer

September 22, 2012

The internationally renowned Cross Species Rights Activist and International Peacemaker, my pal, Lamont, was credited by Law Enforcement officials with single-pawedly diffusing a dangerous racial and religious confrontation in the nation’s capitol Saturday after notorious anti-dog, white human supremacist hate groups gathered at the headquarters of the canine superhero’s turf, Abraham Lincoln Park.

The white human supremacist group Aryan Nations gathered at Lincoln Park on Saturday and marched to the west lawn of the U.S. Capitol.

Ordained minister Morris Gulett, the world leader of Louisiana based Aryan Nations, failed to show up at his own rally after Nazi forward observers reported back to Gulett, ensconced in his rural underground bunker, and informed him Lamont intended to personally attend the demonstration.

Nazi Riff-Raff take refuge behind police as they flee in confusion from Lamont

The highlights of Lamont’s days are his daily romps in Lincoln Park, which is the center of Lamont’s universe. Lamont was alarmed at the news last week that the Aryan Nation’s had finally tracked him down  and, shifting the focus of their religious extremism from US embassies in the Middle East, now were targeting my canine pal.

Lamont, being a sexually ambiguous, 8-inch tall, mixed breed, illegal immigrant, unemployed, black mongrel, born in a trash dump in Mexico less than six months ago, has lived in semi fear of right-wing activists descending on him accusing him of stealing the jobs of American dogs since he smuggled himself across the border in early Jun and settled adjacent to Lincoln Park.

“We intend to come out with our tails held high and our ears perked stiffly to prevent our Abraham Lincoln Dog Park from being soiled by these snooty, too-big-for-their-britches, pure-breed hooligans,” a spokes-human for Lamont said Saturday. “Lamont will meet Power With Smooches.”

Sources confirmed that canine allies of Lamont infiltrated the fenced off area police designated for the Nazi’s late Friday night and indiscriminately pooped with abandon, refusing to allow their human’s to clean up after them.

Lamont exhausted after braving anti dog religious zealots, driving them from his beloved Abraham Lincoln Dog Park

As the fascist sorta-hordes gathered (only nine decided to appear after word spread through Nazi, white supremacist web sites last week that Lamont was organizing a counter protest), Lamont and his allied coalition of anarchist youth, working class neighborhood blacks, righteously indignant gay and lesbian activists, and a broad contingent of canine pals were there to give the confused band of lonely fascist knuckleheads an appropriate greeting.

With barely concealed terrified looks on their acne scarred faces, under their shaved heads, and dressed in jackboots, brown shirts and black ties, the young fascist wannabees, put the megaphones to their quivering lips and squeaked out their twisted ideological slogans. “GIVE NOT WHAT IS HOLY UNTO THE DOGS!” they bleated, quoting from the biblical book of Mathew.””Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under feet, and turn again and rend you.”

“When Jesus said, “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, what did He mean? This statement, “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, is a racial message. The laws of God were holy. The operation in the Kingdom of God, of administration, was holy. God makes this very, very clear, even in the temple as well as in the areas of administration, when He said, “Give not that which is holy unto the dogs” – and the words are “beasts of the field.” The phrase, “beasts of the field, ” translated “dogs” in the Scripture, is most unique, because “the field” is the world; and the species that do not possess the spirit of the Living God are referred to as “beasts of the field, ” because they are not holy.”

Lamont’s Abraham Lincoln Dog Park honoring America’s first mentally ill, gay president who went to war to free the slaves

Metropolitan Police, U.S. Park Police and U.S. Capitol Police tightened their grips on their truncheons as Lamont and his canine pals howled and barked and yelped drowning out the religious zealots.

“Jesus said Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, unto the beasts of the field, or to the Negro.”

Then Lamont’s secret arsenal was brought out and the sky darkened from flying dog poop bags, which Lamont and his pals had covertly gathered and hidden, accumulated over the last week and stashed in the park.

Neither the Christian Nazi extremists nor the Law Enforcement mediators had ever witnessed such creative counter tactics, and were momentarily dazed. The Nazi’s knew they had been mortally out maneuvered and quickly retreated to their tinted windowed bus, which was surrounded by anti-riot police on horseback. And they fled back to their underground bunkers.

The attention of the momentarily stunned crowd were all focused on Lamont who quickly offered everyone and anyone free, sincere smooches, making his rounds from the anarchists in ski masks to the gay and lesbian contingent dressed in pink and black. The humans cheered the Great Lamont and his canine cohorts who had succeeded in doing in 15 minutes what took the Allied generals six years.

And then the canine Internationally recognized problem solver wiggled his way back home where, after a well deserved cookie, took a nap on his couch.