Sexually ambidextrous illegal immigrant mutt from Mexico gives Bible lessons to white human supremacist Christian Jihadists
By Nate Thayer
September 21, 2014
The renowned cross species rights activist and international peacemaker, my pal Lamont, has taken exception to the newest set of friends in the Ku Klux Klan I have made researching stories recently , who Lamont has designated a notorious anti-dog, white human supremacist group.
Lamont has been giving me the stink-eye, sleeping facing away from me on the far end of his side of the bed, refusing to snuggle, giving me the silent treatment, and peeing in the house to emphasize his displeasure.
The internationally recognized canine problem solver, Lamont, understandably, is expressing grave reservations about me cozying up with the KKK set.
“Jesus said ‘Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, unto the beasts of the field, or to the Negro’”, wrote one Ku Klux Klan Christian preacher recently, quoting from the biblical book of Matthew.
It could be argued that Lamont’s concerns are reasonable. After all, he is a sexually ambidextrous, midget, mixed breed, unemployed, agnostic, black mongrel who was born in a trash dump in Mexico and smuggled himself into the Land of the Free as an illegal immigrant a couple of years ago.
None of Lamont’s resume would get the green check mark of approval from what the Ku Klux Klan considers acceptable character traits.
Lamont has lived in semi fear of right-wing, too-big-for-their-britches, pure-breed, Christian fundamentalist hooligan activists descending on him and accusing him of stealing the jobs of American dogs since he smuggled himself across the Mexican border and arrived at the very epicenter of the Belly of the Beast, Washington, D.C.
“Well, we have many beasts of the field in our country at this time. Jesus said ‘give not that which is holy unto the dogs, unto the beasts of the field, or to the Negro’,” wrote a Christian preacher for the Aryan Christian Knights of the KKK. “When Jesus said, ‘Give not that which is holy unto the dogs’, what did He mean? This statement, ‘Give not that which is holy unto the dogs’ is a racial message. The laws of God were holy. The operation in the Kingdom of God, of administration, was holy. God makes this very, very clear, even in the temple as well as in the areas of administration.”
“The phrase, ‘beasts of the field’, translated ‘dogs’ in the Scripture, is most unique, because ‘the field’ is the world; and the species that do not possess the spirit of the Living God are referred to as ‘beasts of the field’, because they are not holy,” wrote the Aryan Christian Jihadist.
Apparently Jesus had a mean streak, as well.
And so do elements of the Ku Klux Klan.
But not my pal, Lamont. He doesn’t have a judgmental bone in his body nor does he discriminate on whom he bestows his copious affections.
Elements of the Ku Klux Klan are targeting the rising neighborhood star and the politically influential much chattered about Lamont, the black, illegal immigrant, sexually ambiguous, half-breed mongrel born in a trash dump in rural Mexico and now a rising political player in Washington. They fear Lamont is a Trojan Horse and False Prophet who, having captured the heart of the worker and peasant masses and developed a rapidly growing what can only be described as cult following, has seamlessly integrated into America.
The scriptures contain a total of 41 references to dogs, of which not a single one is favorable. At all. In any way.
And to add insult to injury, cats do not even merit a mention in the bible.
In Lamont’s view, his argument against a literal, fundamentalist interpretation of any religious texts is is air tight, evidence based, and just plain goofy.
Today, the well-read intellectual philosopher, Lamont, after a day of research, cited to me the following excerpts from the King James version of the Bible:
“And whatsoever goeth upon his paws, among all manner of beasts that go on all four, those are unclean unto you: whoso toucheth their carcase shall be unclean until the even” (Leviticus 11:27). (Leviticus is also, not coincidentally, the fellow who has got a bee in his bonnet about Gay people).
“Thou shalt not bring the hire of a whore, or the price of a dog, into the house of the Lord thy God for any vow: for even both of these are abomination unto the Lord thy God.” (Deuteronomy 23:18)
“As a dog returneth to his vomit, so a fool returneth to his folly” (Proverbs 26:11 and in the second epistle of Peter 2:22)
“His watchmen are blind: they are all ignorant, they are all dumb dogs, . . . Yea, they are greedy dogs which can never have enough . . .” (Isaiah 56: 10-11).
“What is thy servant, that thou shouldest look upon such a dead dog as I am?” (II Samuel 9:8).
“Beware of dogs, beware of evil workers . . .” (Apostle Paul in Philippians 3:2)
“For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers . . .” (Revelation 22:14-15 on dogs grouped among the wicked forbidden from access to heaven).
“Give not that which is holy unto dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine. . .” (Jesus quoted in the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 7:6).
When a Syrophenician woman came to him asking him to heal her daughter, Jesus told the mom her daughter was a dog, saying “It is not meet to take the children’s bread and to cast it to dogs.” (Matthew 15:26).
In Revelation 22:14-15, it reads:
“Blessed are they that do his commandments, that they may have right to the tree of life, and may enter in through the gates into the city. For without are dogs, and sorcerers, and whoremongers, and murderers, and idolaters, and whosoever loveth and maketh a lie.”
Aside from being a black, mixed breed, sexually flexible illegal immigrant, Lamont has proven himself a formidable debate opponent, expertly employing Socratic logic to rhetorically pummel his opponents. Between smooching them.
The peacemaker, the Great Lamont, remains more than happy to lavish smooches–like the affection slut he is–on whomever seeks them, including any random Imperial Wizard or KKK Exalted Cyclops or fundamentalist Christian Jihadist.
Really, all he would request is that he get a smooch back, although that isn’t required.