Lamont agrees to scientific study to document the mutt’s genealogical origins, why he looks ridiculous but retains stratospheric popular sex appeal
My pal, Lamont, is a very attractive chap, but his good looks might be most charitably described as “unconventional.”
Lamont preparing to submit to scientific study for greater canine understanding and common good
I was conducting a close inspection of the storied mutt this evening and, frankly, Lamont appears to have been constructed by a mish-mash of disparate components acquired during a drunken whirlwind shopping trip at a canine used parts junkyard.
The dog doctor contends that Lamont may be part Labrador and part Dachshund. This conclusion has undermined my faith in modern veterinary medicine.
Part Dachshund, part Labrador? Logic suggests otherwise
This professional determination is preposterous for a couple of reasons.
1. For purposes of not assaulting the virgin minds of Lamont’s global fan club, let’s just say the simple mechanics of creating Lamont by said coupling of said canine species would require the skills of an acrobat and is highly unlikely if one simply tries to visualize the conception, which frankly, I wish you wouldn’t.
2. Lamont was born in an obscure rural Mexican trash dump. I am not sure that highfalutin arm candy species such as Labradors and Dachshunds frequent Mexican trash dumps. It is more likely, if one is born in a Mexican trash dump, one is the progeny of closer to, say, fourteen different species than two snooty pure breeds from far, far away.
The physical evidence that is Lamont would suggest this theory has merit.
So this evening I endeavored to undertake my own scientific study.
Lamont studies literature prior to scientific study to determine his genealogical origins
Let’s take a look at the hard statistics that resulted from the scientific study which, I submit, would stand the test and standards of any peer-reviewed journal.
The below results are accompanied by photographic evidence.
Lamont’s legs, measured from his torso (which is a whole another architectural wonder) to the end of his toenails (which I included to be generous), are shown to measure an even 7 inches.
Lamont’s ridiculous midget bow legs being documented
His head measure 8 and 1/4 inch, of which his remarkably prominent schnoz comes in at 4 and 1/4–more than 50% of his entire head.
Lamont’s head documented
The mutt’s remarkably prominent proboscis occupies over 50% of his entire head
For comparative purposes, his ears come out at 4 and 7/8 inches, which, frankly, is just plain goofy looking.
Ears come in as nearly as long as his legs
His entire body length is 20 inches, which does not include Lamont’s tail, which comprises a preposterous 14 additional inches.
Torso length documented
Lamont’s tail is shown to be 16 inches, just shy of the length of his entire torso
The evidence suggests that my pal, Lamont, was not the refined life work product of either a trained architect or Renaissance era master painter.
Lamont suffers for the greater good
If one were to be honest, Lamont more resembles a burnt hot dog in a distorted circus hall of mirrors.
This all does not look good on paper.
Lamont and his renowned nose
But these statistics are compensated by Lamont possessing a certain je ne sais quoi, an irresistible, remarkable pluck and hubris of character, an innate charm, and the charisma usually reserved for great political leaders like Bill Clinton, Mao, Idi Amin, and Napoleon Bonaparte.
Together, these traits make Lamont a study in the power of personality, smarts, and strength of character as opposed to the shallow judgments of physical attributes more appropriately reserved for say the Kardashian’s or any random member of the mongrel assortment of the progeny of European royalty.
The sum equation of Lamont’s attributes makes him stunningly irresistible to the lady’s, both canine and human.
However Lamont has insisted in throwing a monkey wrench into even these truths as he has made clear he prefers boys for his primary personal social interaction and pleasures.
Which only makes him an even rarer, irresistible catch.
The conclusion of this evening’s science project is my pal, Lamont, is one stratospherically attractive swoon-worthy, and fetching hunk of rarefied doghood–if perhaps to the more coarse untrained eye and shallow minds, a seemingly ridiculous looking fellow.
Plus, he is not available. Because he is all mine.
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